Did you know that Dominic has gone celibate? Tis true! Someone get this man some pussy, stat!

Dear Ethicist,

I found out earlier this week that I have herpes.   I guess it had to happen eventually so I’m not too freaked out about it.

What’s got me in a quandry, however, is this:  last night I hooked up with this girl I met at a bar. I just assumed I’d never see her again so I didn’t bother using a condom.  Problem is, I think I’m developing real feelings for this girl.  I could see keeping her around for one, maybe even two months.

What should I do?

–Love Sick

Dear Love Sick,

First of all let me just tell you how sorry I am to hear of your diagnosis.

Now, the situation your in is very serious and you must handle it with the utmost caution.

My advice to you is this: continue having unprotected sex with her until you’re ready to break up with her.  Then go in for an STD test and blame the results on her.

The key to all of this will be in your righteous indignation.  If you’re worried that you can’t pull that off in person, send her a text message.

15th Ave Spies are pleased to report that Mrs. Lucas, that ghetto fabulous b*#$h, is with child; HOLLA!

Pop Off

What?!  I know, right!  BOOTS!

That’s right kids, our very on 15th Ave “Lil Kim” is with child.  She is excepting well wish and cash as we speak!

These bad boys will be producing milk soon!

15th Ave Spies are baffled, how is Joe (yes, THE Joe) doing it?

Is it something in the water?  The Sushi?  Or in his Jeans?

Joe (yes, THE Joe)’s publicist, /cookie Lucas, has been contacted, but has “No comment at this time!”

Stay tuned 15th Avenue, we will get to the bottom of this!

The Many Looks of Joe (yes THE Joe)

Survey says….Good Lord Yes!

Dominic, the chronic masturbater, is truly balding. Sadly, ladies of 15th, he’s only into big, mother truckin’, beefcakes. We know, we are excited by this fact too. A little too excited…

[Editorial Note: Due to the douchy nature of this post our editorial board has stricken it from the record. To all future contributors, though we strive to maintain a zero-standards policy, douchebaggery will not be tolerated.]

“Oh my god. She is like SOOOO beautiful. How does she do it?”

One hears this quote just about every time they stand anywhere near the lovely Alex P.

With such rampant speculation and such a reclusive and mysterious subject, we knew the truth would not easily be brought to light. So we formed an investigative team of the best and the brightest the One five had to offer. They were like the NSA and the Bloodhound Gang all rolled into one. And after much sweat and tears, the shocking and dramatic truth yielded to their hand.

So, how does she do it?

With the aid and support of none other than the Devil. The truth was always right there hiding in plain sight and the evidence is beyond refute.

We were at a loss to explain her dark, ethereal beauty which went beyond the dark hair and even darker eyes. It’s as if she radiates darkness… like the Black Flame himself.

Then it came as a cascade of revelations, the pattern of behaviors that practically screams obeisance to the original bad boy. Consider the facts:

• The vial of human blood strung around her neck — the result of a bloodletting ritual between her and her beloved
• Tattoos of ancient symbols
• An almost religious devotion to wearing pure, untainted black
• Her tendency to stand in the shadows, eschewing the company of nonbelievers
• She works in a bar serving up sin by the glass, fueling the depravity of our dirty, dirty street

And then came the final nail in the coffin. We received a cryptic, nearly-anonymous email leading us straight to her her MySpace page — a page that exudes praise for his Dark Majesty complete with an inverted cross and a graven image of her Master.

And there you have it, folks. The beauty secret to end all beauty secrets. But a word of caution. Before you go tearing after your neighbor’s cat for ritual sacrifice, make sure you’ve polished up on your negotiating skills. Otherwise you may not get a sweet deal like Alex got.

Is it just me, or does it seem like the entire world is falling apart? It’s like every day there is some major crisis about this or that so I guess it should come as no surprise that the One-Five should suffer too.

In recent months our fragile cultural ecosystem has been taxed to the breaking point by the influx of 425ers fleeing their native habitat for our luscious land. It’s like a 7-day locust plague. Every Friday and Saturday night they swarm in from Bellevue or Lynnwood or wherever and overrun bars with their bleached blond hair and backward baseball caps as they devour and mate.

A source close to the problem said, “I don’t know, it’s just so much cooler here. I mean, it’s like T.G.I Fridays but without the plasma screen TV. You guys should really get one of those. Oh, and you need jello shots because when I asked the bartender for jello shots he was like, ‘no.’”

My friends. We are on our own here. The Seattle Police Department told me you can’t get a restraining order for this kind of thing and the refugee-helping organization said something about alleviating suffering and maintaining human dignity and I was like, “duh” but we didn’t see eye to eye.

To solve this problem we need to get at the root cause. And I hate to say it, but the root cause is not them. It is us. By talking to them and treating them like they belong, we become the enablers. If we keep this up, what started as a trickle will become a tidal wave that will wash away our way of life. Though it may be bitter medicine, we must be firm and we must be honest and we must drop the charade that they are our friends. The message must be clear and constant and only then will our worlds return to their natural balance.

Ok, can I just say, the caliber of our One-Five Spies is seriously lacking. Do you see this picture here? I mean Joe (yes people, THE Joe) was spotted on the strip with a mystery man and this photo is the best we can do? COME ON!

So, long story (very) short, the hottest man to grace the gay community since Keanu Reeves was out and about and with an unnamed love connect. Sources say that the mystery man is a major player in the field of high tech.  But being that he’s new to the One-Five it has yet to be seen whether he can hold his own in the field of gett’n dirty.

Good luck, high-tech mystery man.  You’d have to be bionic to keep up with THE Joe.

They’re Just like us – They were awkward in high school!

Ok, so maybe none of us were THIS awkward, but according to one of her close personal friends, Shirlee G. was. Our source tells us that before becoming Seattle’s favorite sex kitten, SG spent her formative years in the form of cartoon pop sensation Jem.

“It got a little old after a while.,” said SG’s gal pal. “I mean, we all loved Jem, but I had to tell her like twenty times ‘No, I don’t want to be a Hologram. Not Kimber, not Shana, and definitely not Aja.’”

Seen here in what is rumored to be her graduation photo, our heroine never completely gave up the fight for control of Starlight Music. If you look close you can still see in her hair highlights of pink, a sure sign that the Misfits may have won the battle, but they have not won the war.

Think one person can change the world? Irene does.

These days it seems like every celebrity needs a signature cause and Ikrug is no exception. In those precious moments when she doesn’t have a drink in her hands she spends her time rehabilitating felons through the power of the arts and just generally celebrating cultural diversity.

In her younger years she brought much needed hope and joy to the children of an impoverished village in Nepal. She’s traversed the dusty plains of the Outback. And (little known fact) she sings in Spanish and swears in Nepali.

Want to catch a glimpse of the Culture Queen herself in her native habitat? Just stop by the hot homage to diversity known as Celebrate Seattle’s Cultural Partners. She’ll be there along with the city’s A-List crusaders.