For many months the Street has been awash with the slurred query, “Hey, where’s Terra?”

Before

“Did she leave us for Ballard… or Utah?”

“Was she just in bed with a really bad hangover?”

“Was she leading a double life as an operative for the Ahmadinejad regime only to be recalled to Iran to suppress the uprising?”

After

No one could say for sure.

Until now

Credible sources reliably speculate that for nearly one full year, the dreamy diva has most certainly been locked away in a posh rehab resort.

Just see for yourself.

The top picture was taken right before TG went missing. What a HAWT mess!

And the bottom pic was taken just yesterday. The eyes say it all and they’re saying, ‘Trouble has arrived, Bitches!”

Though the Street has been a shell of it’s former self without you, TG, you know what they say “You gotta detox to retox.”

So welcome back Ms. G. But go easy on the One-Five because you’re a force that few can recon with.

I found out earlier this week that I have herpes.   I guess it had to happen eventually so I’m not too freaked out about it.

What’s got me in a quandry, however, is this:  last night I hooked up with this girl I met at a bar. I just assumed I’d never see her again so I didn’t bother using a condom.  Problem is, I think I’m developing real feelings for this girl.  I could see keeping her around for one, maybe even two months.

What should I do?

–Love Sick

Dear Love Sick,

First of all let me just tell you how sorry I am to hear of your diagnosis.

Now, the situation your in is very serious and you must handle it with the utmost caution.

My advice to you is this: continue having unprotected sex with her until you’re ready to break up with her.  Then go in for an STD test and blame the results on her.

The key to all of this will be in your righteous indignation.  If you’re worried that you can’t pull that off in person, send her a text message.

Is it something in the water?  The Sushi?  Or in his Jeans?

Joe (yes, THE Joe)’s publicist, /cookie Lucas, has been contacted, but has “No comment at this time!”

Stay tuned 15th Avenue, we will get to the bottom of this!

The Many Looks of Joe (yes THE Joe)

One hears this quote just about every time they stand anywhere near the lovely Alex P.

With such rampant speculation and such a reclusive and mysterious subject, we knew the truth would not easily be brought to light. So we formed an investigative team of the best and the brightest the One five had to offer. They were like the NSA and the Bloodhound Gang all rolled into one. And after much sweat and tears, the shocking and dramatic truth yielded to their hand.

So, how does she do it?

With the aid and support of none other than the Devil. The truth was always right there hiding in plain sight and the evidence is beyond refute.

We were at a loss to explain her dark, ethereal beauty which went beyond the dark hair and even darker eyes. It’s as if she radiates darkness… like the Black Flame himself.

Then it came as a cascade of revelations, the pattern of behaviors that practically screams obeisance to the original bad boy. Consider the facts:

• The vial of human blood strung around her neck — the result of a bloodletting ritual between her and her beloved
• Tattoos of ancient symbols
• An almost religious devotion to wearing pure, untainted black
• Her tendency to stand in the shadows, eschewing the company of nonbelievers
• She works in a bar serving up sin by the glass, fueling the depravity of our dirty, dirty street

And then came the final nail in the coffin. We received a cryptic, nearly-anonymous email leading us straight to her her MySpace page — a page that exudes praise for his Dark Majesty complete with an inverted cross and a graven image of her Master.

And there you have it, folks. The beauty secret to end all beauty secrets. But a word of caution. Before you go tearing after your neighbor’s cat for ritual sacrifice, make sure you’ve polished up on your negotiating skills. Otherwise you may not get a sweet deal like Alex got.

In recent months our fragile cultural ecosystem has been taxed to the breaking point by the influx of 425ers fleeing their native habitat for our luscious land. It’s like a 7-day locust plague. Every Friday and Saturday night they swarm in from Bellevue or Lynnwood or wherever and overrun bars with their bleached blond hair and backward baseball caps as they devour and mate.

A source close to the problem said, “I don’t know, it’s just so much cooler here. I mean, it’s like T.G.I Fridays but without the plasma screen TV. You guys should really get one of those. Oh, and you need jello shots because when I asked the bartender for jello shots he was like, ‘no.’”

My friends. We are on our own here. The Seattle Police Department told me you can’t get a restraining order for this kind of thing and the refugee-helping organization said something about alleviating suffering and maintaining human dignity and I was like, “duh” but we didn’t see eye to eye.

To solve this problem we need to get at the root cause. And I hate to say it, but the root cause is not them. It is us. By talking to them and treating them like they belong, we become the enablers. If we keep this up, what started as a trickle will become a tidal wave that will wash away our way of life. Though it may be bitter medicine, we must be firm and we must be honest and we must drop the charade that they are our friends. The message must be clear and constant and only then will our worlds return to their natural balance.

So, long story (very) short, the hottest man to grace the gay community since Keanu Reeves was out and about and with an unnamed love connect. Sources say that the mystery man is a major player in the field of high tech.  But being that he’s new to the One-Five it has yet to be seen whether he can hold his own in the field of gett’n dirty.

Good luck, high-tech mystery man.  You’d have to be bionic to keep up with THE Joe.

They’re Just like us – They were awkward in high school!

Ok, so maybe none of us were THIS awkward, but according to one of her close personal friends, Shirlee G. was. Our source tells us that before becoming Seattle’s favorite sex kitten, SG spent her formative years in the form of cartoon pop sensation Jem.

“It got a little old after a while.,” said SG’s gal pal. “I mean, we all loved Jem, but I had to tell her like twenty times ‘No, I don’t want to be a Hologram. Not Kimber, not Shana, and definitely not Aja.’”

Seen here in what is rumored to be her graduation photo, our heroine never completely gave up the fight for control of Starlight Music. If you look close you can still see in her hair highlights of pink, a sure sign that the Misfits may have won the battle, but they have not won the war.

According to our poll, 4 out of 5 straight men Strongly Agreed with the statement: “He makes me wish I was gay.“

And, 3 out of 5 women agreed with the statement, “If I were a man I’d totally hit that.“

Nice work, Patrick. Looks like that winning smile just might take you all the way to the finish line.

–Scared For My Penis

A: Dear SFMP,

There are some pretty simple telltale signs your chiquita banana is bleeding profusely from the babyhole:

1. She orders a porno before you get home from work, and then in a fit of emotion cancels it and switches to Lifetime.

2. She keeps mentioning astrology.

3. She frames an inordinate amount of totally useless, uninteresting pictures of either half your face or a reflection of hers in a London shop window. I mean, seriously….that’s kind of weird that she took them in the first place– why didn’t you throw them away, retard?

And don’t forget– knock knock– who’s there? My nasty-ass advice, ya bitch!

Send your  queries to:

pattypattyprincess@gmail.com