Is it just me, or does it seem like the entire world is falling apart? It’s like every day there is some major crisis about this or that so I guess it should come as no surprise that the One-Five should suffer too.
In recent months our fragile cultural ecosystem has been taxed to the breaking point by the influx of 425ers fleeing their native habitat for our luscious land. It’s like a 7-day locust plague. Every Friday and Saturday night they swarm in from Bellevue or Lynnwood or wherever and overrun bars with their bleached blond hair and backward baseball caps as they devour and mate.
A source close to the problem said, “I don’t know, it’s just so much cooler here. I mean, it’s like T.G.I Fridays but without the plasma screen TV. You guys should really get one of those. Oh, and you need jello shots because when I asked the bartender for jello shots he was like, ‘no.’”
My friends. We are on our own here. The Seattle Police Department told me you can’t get a restraining order for this kind of thing and the refugee-helping organization said something about alleviating suffering and maintaining human dignity and I was like, “duh” but we didn’t see eye to eye.
To solve this problem we need to get at the root cause. And I hate to say it, but the root cause is not them. It is us. By talking to them and treating them like they belong, we become the enablers. If we keep this up, what started as a trickle will become a tidal wave that will wash away our way of life. Though it may be bitter medicine, we must be firm and we must be honest and we must drop the charade that they are our friends. The message must be clear and constant and only then will our worlds return to their natural balance.
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