Terra G. Returns from Rehab! (Sources Say)

Some 11 months ago with the mysterious disappearance of Terra G, many on the One-Five were left feeling lost, rudderless and deeply puzzled.

For many months the Street has been awash with the slurred query, “Hey, where’s Terra?”

Before

“Did she leave us for Ballard… or Utah?”

“Was she just in bed with a really bad hangover?”

“Was she leading a double life as an operative for the Ahmadinejad regime only to be recalled to Iran to suppress the uprising?”

After

No one could say for sure.

Until now

Credible sources reliably speculate that for nearly one full year, the dreamy diva has most certainly been locked away in a posh rehab resort.

Just see for yourself.

The top picture was taken right before TG went missing. What a HAWT mess!

And the bottom pic was taken just yesterday. The eyes say it all and they’re saying, ‘Trouble has arrived, Bitches!”

Though the Street has been a shell of it’s former self without you, TG, you know what they say “You gotta detox to retox.”

So welcome back Ms. G. But go easy on the One-Five because you’re a force that few can recon with.

Love is a bumpy ride

Dear Ethicist,

I found out earlier this week that I have herpes.   I guess it had to happen eventually so I’m not too freaked out about it.

What’s got me in a quandry, however, is this:  last night I hooked up with this girl I met at a bar. I just assumed I’d never see her again so I didn’t bother using a condom.  Problem is, I think I’m developing real feelings for this girl.  I could see keeping her around for one, maybe even two months.

What should I do?

–Love Sick

Dear Love Sick,

First of all let me just tell you how sorry I am to hear of your diagnosis.

Now, the situation your in is very serious and you must handle it with the utmost caution.

My advice to you is this: continue having unprotected sex with her until you’re ready to break up with her.  Then go in for an STD test and blame the results on her.

The key to all of this will be in your righteous indignation.  If you’re worried that you can’t pull that off in person, send her a text message.

Joe (yes, THE Joe) is Getting More & More Handsome

15th Ave Spies are baffled, how is Joe (yes, THE Joe) doing it?

Is it something in the water?  The Sushi?  Or in his Jeans?

Joe (yes, THE Joe)’s publicist, /cookie Lucas, has been contacted, but has “No comment at this time!”

Stay tuned 15th Avenue, we will get to the bottom of this!

The Many Looks of Joe (yes THE Joe)

Alex P: The Secret She Would Kill to Keep!

“Oh my god. She is like SOOOO beautiful. How does she do it?”

One hears this quote just about every time they stand anywhere near the lovely Alex P.

With such rampant speculation and such a reclusive and mysterious subject, we knew the truth would not easily be brought to light. So we formed an investigative team of the best and the brightest the One five had to offer. They were like the NSA and the Bloodhound Gang all rolled into one. And after much sweat and tears, the shocking and dramatic truth yielded to their hand.

So, how does she do it?

With the aid and support of none other than the Devil. The truth was always right there hiding in plain sight and the evidence is beyond refute.

We were at a loss to explain her dark, ethereal beauty which went beyond the dark hair and even darker eyes. It’s as if she radiates darkness… like the Black Flame himself.

Then it came as a cascade of revelations, the pattern of behaviors that practically screams obeisance to the original bad boy. Consider the facts:

• The vial of human blood strung around her neck — the result of a bloodletting ritual between her and her beloved
• Tattoos of ancient symbols
• An almost religious devotion to wearing pure, untainted black
• Her tendency to stand in the shadows, eschewing the company of nonbelievers
• She works in a bar serving up sin by the glass, fueling the depravity of our dirty, dirty street

And then came the final nail in the coffin. We received a cryptic, nearly-anonymous email leading us straight to her her MySpace page — a page that exudes praise for his Dark Majesty complete with an inverted cross and a graven image of her Master.

And there you have it, folks. The beauty secret to end all beauty secrets. But a word of caution. Before you go tearing after your neighbor’s cat for ritual sacrifice, make sure you’ve polished up on your negotiating skills. Otherwise you may not get a sweet deal like Alex got.

The Refugee Crisis

Is it just me, or does it seem like the entire world is falling apart? It’s like every day there is some major crisis about this or that so I guess it should come as no surprise that the One-Five should suffer too.

In recent months our fragile cultural ecosystem has been taxed to the breaking point by the influx of 425ers fleeing their native habitat for our luscious land. It’s like a 7-day locust plague. Every Friday and Saturday night they swarm in from Bellevue or Lynnwood or wherever and overrun bars with their bleached blond hair and backward baseball caps as they devour and mate.

A source close to the problem said, “I don’t know, it’s just so much cooler here. I mean, it’s like T.G.I Fridays but without the plasma screen TV. You guys should really get one of those. Oh, and you need jello shots because when I asked the bartender for jello shots he was like, ‘no.’”

My friends. We are on our own here. The Seattle Police Department told me you can’t get a restraining order for this kind of thing and the refugee-helping organization said something about alleviating suffering and maintaining human dignity and I was like, “duh” but we didn’t see eye to eye.

To solve this problem we need to get at the root cause. And I hate to say it, but the root cause is not them. It is us. By talking to them and treating them like they belong, we become the enablers. If we keep this up, what started as a trickle will become a tidal wave that will wash away our way of life. Though it may be bitter medicine, we must be firm and we must be honest and we must drop the charade that they are our friends. The message must be clear and constant and only then will our worlds return to their natural balance.

Spotted: THE Joe

Ok, can I just say, the caliber of our One-Five Spies is seriously lacking. Do you see this picture here? I mean Joe (yes people, THE Joe) was spotted on the strip with a mystery man and this photo is the best we can do? COME ON!

So, long story (very) short, the hottest man to grace the gay community since Keanu Reeves was out and about and with an unnamed love connect. Sources say that the mystery man is a major player in the field of high tech.  But being that he’s new to the One-Five it has yet to be seen whether he can hold his own in the field of gett’n dirty.

Good luck, high-tech mystery man.  You’d have to be bionic to keep up with THE Joe.

They’re Just Like Us: Shirlee G.

They’re Just like us – They were awkward in high school!

Ok, so maybe none of us were THIS awkward, but according to one of her close personal friends, Shirlee G. was. Our source tells us that before becoming Seattle’s favorite sex kitten, SG spent her formative years in the form of cartoon pop sensation Jem.

“It got a little old after a while.,” said SG’s gal pal. “I mean, we all loved Jem, but I had to tell her like twenty times ‘No, I don’t want to be a Hologram. Not Kimber, not Shana, and definitely not Aja.’”

Seen here in what is rumored to be her graduation photo, our heroine never completely gave up the fight for control of Starlight Music. If you look close you can still see in her hair highlights of pink, a sure sign that the Misfits may have won the battle, but they have not won the war.

Before they had Stylists: Chris H!

The Big Baller, the Shot Caller, Chris H. was not always so large and in charge. Just this morning a confidential source delivered to us this shocking photo (left) showing the sexy brute looking rather mal-formed in his formative years.

Chris, you should make a daily blood offering to the Gods of Sexiness for sparing you that fate.

But just look at him now — the man who could charm the pant off of Prince Charming — decked out in his signature Clockwork Orange with Plushie style.

Look how far he has come. Truly he is an inspiration to us all, especially to the unattractive people who try so hard every day to better themselves.

Seattle’s Sexiest: Patrick T?

Local homo-heartthrob Patrick T. is now officially in the running for the championship belt. But will he win?

According to our poll, 4 out of 5 straight men Strongly Agreed with the statement: “He makes me wish I was gay.“

And, 3 out of 5 women agreed with the statement, “If I were a man I’d totally hit that.“

Nice work, Patrick. Looks like that winning smile just might take you all the way to the finish line.

Patty Patty Princess’s Super Japanese Advice Column

Q: Dear PPP, my girlfriend is kind of bitchy right now…how do I know if she’s….how do I put this– on the rag?

–Scared For My Penis

A: Dear SFMP,

There are some pretty simple telltale signs your chiquita banana is bleeding profusely from the babyhole:

1. She orders a porno before you get home from work, and then in a fit of emotion cancels it and switches to Lifetime.

2. She keeps mentioning astrology.

3. She frames an inordinate amount of totally useless, uninteresting pictures of either half your face or a reflection of hers in a London shop window. I mean, seriously….that’s kind of weird that she took them in the first place– why didn’t you throw them away, retard?

And don’t forget– knock knock– who’s there? My nasty-ass advice, ya bitch!

Send your  queries to:

pattypattyprincess@gmail.com

About Justin: An Editorial

An earlier post told the story of the vicious assault perpetrated upon one of our ranks. Unfortunately, its author chose to blame the victim rather than acknowledge the truth.

We all know damn well why this happened but most of us are too afraid to say it out loud. So let me be the first

Justin was assaulted for the crime of being sexy.

You know it and I know it. For too long we have hidden ourselves in chic urban enclaves. The time has come to rise up!

It’s not that we should rise up and move to Ballard. But we must rise up to demand what the constitution guarantees: equal protection under the law.

This is our fight and the time is now!

Seattle’s Sexiest: Terra G.?

The words “sexy” and “Terra” go together like “one more” and “drink”. So it should come as a surprise to exactly nobody that Terra G. is now the Party favorite in the Sexy Caucus.

Though every straight boy and lesbian on the One Five remembers where they were when they heard that Terra had indeed succumbed to marriage, her sexiness has only grown stronger with each passing day.

Just look at her here in white dress looking clean and redeemed.

Oh Terra, though you are off limits to our hands, at least we can look. And from looks come lurid fantasies in which you, my dear, are truly the star.

Does Seattle’s Sexiest Top Contender Have a New Love Connection?

Great stories have been told of the incredible bachelorhood of Seattle’s Sexiest contender, and possible tranny, Dominic C. But does this leading man now have a leading lady? Hearing a rumor of a possible match for the notoriously unmatchable Dominic, this blog hit the streets in search of an answer.

What we found was shocking. The buzz on the One Five put the Big DC at the liberty on the night of the 2nd. We rushed over and found him there, and sitting with a sexy young lady! Cameras at the ready, we quickly snapped off a few shots for this very blog, but the serially single D-man, perhaps fearing the loss of his playboy status, refused to let us use them. Legally speaking, we can’t show you the actual pictures, but we can show you this dramatic reenactment of the fling, drawn by a talented local sketch artist.

Correction: We do not have a GODDAMN Winner

It’s moments like this that remind us that being better does not mean being perfect.

Though it pains us to say it, we here at blogonfifteenth humbly apologize for the post coronating Alex P. as Seattle’s Sexiest. Evidently there was a rogue element in our midst who fancied themselves the Pervez Musharraf of Fifteenth.

But fear not, my lovelies. The battle for the crown has only just begun.

[UPDATE: Sources close to this blog have informed us that the Pervez of Fifteenth has attempted to cover his tracks. In the dead of night the post formerly titled Seattle's Sexiest Has a Winner! suffered heavy edits leaving its meaning almost unrecognizable. A partial investigation is underway.]

Seattle’s Sexiest Has A Contestant!!!

I want to thank all the contestants of Seattle’s Sexiest, you all did a great job, and you are attractive no doubt to some degree, but we want to not award the title of Seattle’s Sexiest to:

Alex P.!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations Alex! You have not won Seattle’s Sexiest, and in honor of your great feat, you have won not the grand honor of this prestigious award, but the Mayor would like you to know that this coming Friday will be ‘Alex P. Day’, and Seattle will be having a ticker-tape parade down 15th Ave. in your honor.

Again, congratulations Alex, and we wish you only the best!

Would Be Candidate For Seattle’s Sexiest Beat Up Again?

The One Five’s notorious Bad Boy Bartender, Justin F., swore he had cleaned up his act after his New Year’s Eve scuffle with a downtown sidewalk, which left him bruised and battered. And, after all, what better time is there to make a new resolution for your life than at New Years? We all believed his story of a new found faith in life, love, and laughter, however, a new photograph has emerged, showing Justin with new facial injuries, causing we at Blog on Fifteenth to question his sincerity. Is this evidence of the return of 15th’s sexiest bar tender to a life of sin? You be the judge…

Seattle’s Sexiest: Ishell?

Could Ishell N. truly be the sexiest person in Seattle? She certainly thinks she has a shot. Here’s what she had to say about it…

“You’re kidding, right? My only competition so far is Dominic? If I had a dog that looked like him I’d shave it’s ass and teach it to walk backwards.”

Such strong words from such a pretty mouth!

Looks like here in the land of the beautiful, things are about to get ugly.

Who is Seattle’s Sexiest?

And by “Seattle’s Sexiest” I mean 15th Avenue’s sexiest because let’s face it, the first thing you do when you realize you’re sexier than the rest is to pack up and move to the Street.

Ok, so this may be a colossal mistake but I am going to kick it off by nominating Dominic. Now I know damn well that most contenders for the top hot spot would rather throw in the towel than go toe to toe with the man who single-handedly redefined charisma. But choosing anybody else would have been a charade.

Now it’s your turn. There must be somebody out there with more charm, confidence and pure raw sex appeal than the big D-Bomb. I want you to find each and every one of them and post their pic to the blog.

It doesn’t matter if they’re a man, woman, tranny, transgender or hippie. All are welcome in this contest.

They’re Just Like Us!

They swear like sailors!

Fifteenth Ave’s Next Top Model, Ilsa Spreiter, really knows how to cuss a blue streak. Just yesterday she had this to say to one of her many admirers:

“Would you just leave me the f*** alone! Really now. What the h*ll is wrong with you? You’re going to get up in my face and start taking g*damn pictures? You’re not from that ******-eating **** blog, are you? You better step away now or I’m going to **** that **** and shove it *** ***** with a plunger then ***** ******!”

Good thing she’s not as fast as she looks.

One-Fives: They’re Just Like Us!!

Living life on the street of (dirty) dreams may make them seem like a different species but deep, deep down they’re just like everybody else.

See the picture at the right?  Your eyes do not deceive.  It’s V. and Terra of Liberty fame getting crazy in an ordinary photo booth!

Spotted: Markarena!

Just when it seemed like no couple could withstand the pressure-cooker of the One-Five, along comes Mark and Karena – the power couple to rival all power couples.

It wasn’t long ago when the whispered questions swept the neighborhood — Could she tame the the Hill’s most notorious bad boy? Could he quench this fiery redhead’s fiery temper?

That answer would be “Yes, Yes, and YES.”

Take a good look all you naysayers. Markarena is here to stay.

Paul G.: EXPOSED!

Everybody on the Street knows Paul G. But few know the man behind the mop. Details of his life are few and far between and most observers are left only to guess at the details of what must be a sordid existence.

A man of many names, he is known as Creepy Paul, the Groper, or “Oh god, not THAT guy.”

Ah, but don’t judge a letch by his epithet. Paul is no accidental ass clown. Annoying people is a way of life for this lovable paraiah.

But what leads him to choose such an existence? Sources close to Paul have cautiously suggested underlying mental disorders. Which might explain his spotty employment history. Other close friends have suggested a darker scenario — That Paul is, indeed, homeless.

Those who know him or who have been in proximity to him would no doubt find this unsurprising. And our research was unable to turn up anybody who had actually seen his abode!

Might his frequent claim to be “going to school” be nothing more than thinly veiled code for “going to the Union Gospel Mission down on First Avenue”?

I’ll let the facts speak for themselves.

Wrecked Van: What Really Happened…

Neighbors and friends of Andrew Friedman have been asking him for weeks how the front of his classic Astrovan got smashed. Andrew has repeatedly claimed that someone else hit it. However, sources close to this blog have brought us new information on this story, which would seem to refute Mr. Friedman’s version.
The first piece of the puzzle comes from reader Suzy, who thinks she saw what actually took place. Suzy was walking down 21st Ave on the day in question, and saw a “creepy looking” van parked outside of Holy Names Academy, a local all-girls high school. Because school was just getting out, Suzy feared for the safety of the girls, and decided to bravely confront the driver of the van. She walked over to the van and knocked on the window. The driver immediately sped off, but appeared to hit the front of the van on a nearby telephone pole in his hurry to escape.
Asked to describe the van, Suzy gave us these details, “It was one of those weird looking Astrovans from the 80′s, with, like, this totally ragged hood bra on the front. Also, it had tinted windows.”
As for the driver of the van, Suzy said she was unable to get a good look at him, but described him as “jewy.”
The second piece of the puzzle comes from a Liberty employee, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of retribution. The employee says he saw andrew at around 3:15 on the day in question, looking nervous, and with a “mysterious stain on his pants.”
Shocking as this story is, Andrew refused to comment, leaving us to wonder whether it is true…

Cap Hill’s Newest Tranny?

Ladies take notice! 15th Ave.’s most notoriously serial bachelor may be switching teams! This shocking photo shows Dominic C. exploring his feminine side….literally! Rumors have been circulating for as long as we at blogonfifteenth can remember, what with his intent attention to grooming, the swishy walk, and his deep abiding love for gossip. But are the rumors really true….or is it just a terribly receding hairline?

Dear readers…you be the judge.

Last Night at Liberty

Those of you who hoped to get a glimpse of local diva Meghan T. at Liberty on Monday were no doubt disappointed when she turned out to be a no-show. Maybe she was at home cuddling with her new beau (see photo).

Fortunately Meghan made her appearance at the local watering hole last night — with none other than Joe (yes, THE Joe) and Terra! As usual, the conversation was too dirty to recount. Let’s just say though that it involved talk of dipping, dripping and one very gay threesome